back!

*blows off thick layer of dust that has accumulated over the one year i was away*

feels at home, again.

jan has moved to http://www.janinsingapura.wordpress.com/

1, 2, 3...

A very very Merry Christmas one and all! I'm back from Cambodia, safe and happy, but a part of me is missing Cambodia- the place, the people, the company and the things we did. The trip has been awesome and I must say... this would be the best YEP trip ever! Don't ask me if I would go on another trip in the near future but this is the status quo at the moment.

Lest I forget my feelings and thoughts as I have not been writing my journal dutifully (actually this is the first time I didn't write a journal proper), I shall share some of my after-thoughts here. I have to attribute the bulk of the good trip to having a good OC. The road before YEP hasn't been all smooth-sailing and in fact, at some point in time, it was over-taxing, people juggling YEP stuff with other stuff and studies. Nevertheless, I'm really glad we made it and the trip has been worthwhile. Anyway, I was forced to grow up fast in the first few days in Cambodia. Being one of the very few people who have been to Cambodia before, running the itinerary was challenging initially and I had to cope with last minute changes to the itinerary (as I was not able to discuss this with the driver before arriving and just had to trust that the coordinator had conveyed the messages to him), every single moment required some decision making. It was really an exciting experience. Back in the village, I took some time to re-adjust the expectations. The initial phase was pretty challenging as members constantly seeked help (sometimes even for menial tasks haha, ok I don't blame them as most are staying in a village for the very first time) and at some time, I stepped on the fine line between telling them everything that needs to be done and letting them find out what needs to be done themselves. It got pretty frustrating but I was glad that the team adapted to the new environment pretty fast and well and by the 3rd day, I could see them settling in.

The days in the village were very good. The villagers were very hospitable, taking the initiative to interact with us. We could very well communicate beyond language, using exaggerated expressions and hand gestures to get our messages across and sometimes ending up in laughing fits. Li Xian and Wei Jian both got a new christian name, Rosy and Tom respectively, to help our Cambodian friends remember their names better. The OC interacted well, through mural painting and the interactions and activities with the villagers. And for me personally, I think I grew a lot during this one week- I regained faith, I learnt to cope with the language barrier, the importance of keeping everyone well-informed, learnt how people could be self-sufficient with the limited resources they have, to cherish the things we possess now- family, friends and some intangibles, to learn to be contented with the simple things in life- the intangibles and of course, I learnt to harvest rice, to pump water out of a well using a generator, cook a few more dishes etc etc. Note aside, staying at this village has been fascinating. It was my first time sleeping above pigs, ducks, chickens, lots of dog, my first time stroking cows, my first time visiting a brick factory, my first time attending a christmas event at the province church.

All in all, the trip has been good. Thank you all for all the wonderful things that have happened. One of my regrets though, would be me not being able to staying throughout the entire trip. Nevertheless, I hope the trip has been equally good, if not, better for the team.

soon!

with vigour, savoury, perfection, strength, compassion...



... no more excuses, pessimism, procrastination

Nothing is, everything is becoming.

overloaded

... with events happening around the world! it's pretty tough to retain some optimism when the world's currently fraught with catastrophic events that will bring about rather serious ramifications. Besides many facing financial loses, lives are at stake right now in some parts of Asia.

sigh. i can only hope for the better.

back at home here.. i'm in a semi-holiday, semi-depressed, semi-lost mood. Though i officially stepped into adulthood yesterday, i don't feel that it's much of a big thing. well, i definitely have more responsibilities now and some decisions that i may make in the future are gonna carry weight in the eyes of law. also, i believe.. time's gonna fly by faster than before....... i've thus embarked on an accelerated journey to.. ermm.. seniority.

all right all right, with the not so positive global outlook at the moment, i shan't make things worse by harping on stuff beyond my control and i shall.. in fact resume mugging for my last paper!

LAST CHANCE! and 4 days'll pass.. very soon!! :S





anyway, just a sidetrack from depressing issues, my 21st birthday was somewhat special.. no birthday parties, no elaborated meetups, had an exam in fact.. haha.. but i'm very touched by the efforts of JCUBE- the conspiracy.. collecting birthday well-wishes from my friends, secondary to uni, granting almost ALL my wishes and of course, spending a special evening with me. :) and not forgetting, having dinner with my family. anyway, i'm treasuring family dinners even more so now as i will be missing out on this for a year!

before i end, wanna say:
THANK U ALL for making my day! :)

out of sight, out of mind

i'm going to chuck my textbooks into the cupboard and i'm so not going to take them out until the time comes when i NEED to pack my stuff.

perhaps i'm not trying harder. 2 scenarios have proved this case:
1) For the 1st paper, i could have written equations, but i didn't.
2) For the 2nd one (which just ended), the exact same diagram was right smack in front of me but i chose to ignore it.

=(

why?? I hope God will be kinder to me tomorrow since i'll be officially stepping into adulthood.

wow

i'm pretty impressed with myself. i managed to abstain from blogging.. for 2 weeks! that's an achievement..

anyway, i'm feeling really sleepy now but.. i've tons of notes to read.. so it's either sleep or risk getting bad grades :S


why can't we be ourselves like we were, yesterday?

coffee again?

sigh.. i resolve to kick my caffeine addiction after exams!!!! no more slave to caffeine.. boohoo

ssshhhhh i've a secret..

sheesh man.. how should i put it? i'm gonna be one of the lowliest paid interns and i've to top up my own allowance.. up to S$450 a month! =( kind of shitty as i'm so not gonna burden my parents.. and so i'm not gonna tell them...

mans! maybe i should set up a "feed janicia" fund.. arrrggghh

every cloud has a silver lining

prior to this fateful day, i was full of angst and anxiety, majorly caused by the overwhelming project deadlines and impending tests! and to top it off, i lost an important cd which i spent.. many days looking for it..

then help came! omg.. thanks mich lots and lots for saving my day! or.. i'll be stuck in the dungeon forever! =)

so much for all the angst! humph!

whatever it is that may happen in the future, i must and always must look on the bright side of life!

bleh

Fuck! also good.. i hope this serves as a wake-up call!!

BOOO!

endorphins

I need endorphins!!

damm damm damm!!!!

Arggghh... I can't believe I'm wasting so much time and energy on a cd! That cd.. is very important.. it contains past years' answers and references.. I've searched high and low but to no avail.. =( =(

SIGH!!!

WHY must this happen to me??? =(

more than words

been out of sorts lately, plagued with unduly worries.

I trust in God that I've made the right decisions and that He'll bless me with strength and wisdom to carry out my duties faithfully.

Thank you Jesus! Amen!

passion = motivation

it's pretty amazing how i fall asleep easily reading my notes or textbook and I don't when I read an interesting book/article to keep myself awake.

i guess this has got much to do with interests which drive passion which drives a person.

and i should stop wasting time, searching for the person i should become.. bleh.

anyway, i'm quite convinced that all these bullshit are psychological.. what comes to the mind, out of the mouth and from the heart really really matters as thinking, saying and feeling certain things WILL eventually be embedded and become part of your lifestyle..

i need to battle these distractions. like right now.

nothing is impossible and impossible is I M Possible.

one step at a time

Pretty glad that most NOC stuffs've been settled and I'm left with visa application. I really hope that I'll be able to focus all my energy on STUDIES. yes scream studies with me!! And do decently well this sem.

Last 3 weeks, last hopes, last chance.

As for other issues, I'll take one step at a time and not let history repeat itself.



FOCUS and PERSEVERE!!!!

follow up.

Following up to the melodrama I watched yesterday, when one dies, he/she literally dies with nothing... even if he is freaking rich, he can't bring along his wealth, his company, his loved ones..

oh mans.. so much about life.

Oh Mans...

义无反顾 has the most tragical ending ever!

Wishing for some glimmer of hope in the last episode.. but well, I was pretty disappointed and saddened.

Oh wells.. luckily, it's just a soap opera.

I'm Alive!

Praise the Lord! It's good to be alive! =)

Anyway, quoting from Jenny's blog something which I felt made a lot of sense to me, from "The Unbearable Lightness of Being" by Milan Kundera.. "We can never know what to want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come."

"There is no means of testing which decision is better, because there is no basis for comparison...And what can life be worth if the first rehearsal for life is life itself???"

Which explains why some people can never measure the level of "meaningfulness" of his/her life.. and to me, life's a choice, though influenced by many factors not within our control. Well to me, a meaningful life would be that I've made the best decisions out of the circumstances which arise and have no regrets. Look forward, not back.

A piece of mind.

Whirly week gone in the blink of an eye! Never had I felt like my mind and body are out-of-sync before. I was merely going through the motion everyday, without reflecting much on the events which took place.

At last, TGIF! =)

Well, I've gone through half the phase that is filled with uncertainties, from GAW parties to NOC stuffs to planning for YEP. The other half, unfortunately or not, is also filled with many uncertainities, though with one less thing to fret about.

All I can conclude after this experience is that.. IT's NOT AT ALL EASY.. juggling CSC stuffs, NOC stuff and studies. BUT thank GOD, I found strength within and from my family and friends. =)

(to be continued)

Aftermath..ermm math?math?

All right, my mind's a whirlwind, my eye lids are very heavy and my brain's drained. Today's been highly intellectually-stimulating. It started off with a face-to-face, one-to-one interview in the morning, followed by lab, GAW meeting and a phone interview at night. On top of the hustle and bustle, I wrote 2 thank-you letters, reflected on many many issues.. (still reflecting actually and have yet to come to a conclusion).. and my thoughts're now.. meshed up.

Anyway, whatever the interview results are, how they went.. I shall leave all to fate! Afterall, it all depends on how much the interviewers aka bosses like me. Yup FATE!

During GAW meeting, the subject on the significance of GAW was mentioned. I must admit, though as the PD, I have struggled with bouts of faithlessness and contempt many a times. Once again, I had to re-affirm my objectives in order to proceed with further planning. Well, after all the ups and downs and lots of questioning, I think.. GAW should subsist. Reason being that there're always 2 sides to a coin. While we may think from the kids' point of view (though we were kids before, I feel we never really understood kids), there's also the other point of view. Hence, it's important to re-visit our objectives every now and then to see if we have addressed both sides of the coin. Yup, so what do I mean here?

GAW has 2 purposes. 1. To spread the spirit of giving. 2. To allow the kids to look forward to something which will make them happy. Considering the first point, I think GAW has fulfilled its objectives by spreading the spirit of giving amongst the NUS students as they are given the opportunity to fulfill the little wishes of the kids. I must say, I have been impressed by how some donors took pains to find the exact gift wished for. As for the second point, MOST of the kids are happy upon receiving their gifts, except for a handful unappreciative kids. And out of these MOST kids, some may not be able to get what they wished for by their own means and as such, GAW is an avenue to fulfill their hearts' desires.

By and large, I still feel that it's tough understanding kids. What they show, how they act.. may not be what they really feel. Hence, don't be discouraged if they remain nonchalant and appear unappreciative upon receiving their gifts, for many of them are actually really grateful for what they've gotten.

I guess, one fact that we all have to grapple with as well will be that different people (even people like you and me) have different expectations and have different levels of satisfaction and different desires. Thus, even though some kids might have wished for material goods, as long as the cost of the gift falls within the budget ($25), there is no need to restrict what the kids can wish for.

Well well, after reflecting on all that's being said, based on the 2 fundamental objectives of GAW, GAW should subsist!

What I need most now...

CONFIDENCE!!!

The belief that I'm capable...

Manssssssss... fill me up with faith and confidence!! :S